As humans we all want someone to share our laughter with, as a best friend as well as a lover, someone who'll not only listen to our doubts, but also celebrate our triumphs. We want to be a part of the relationship where personal traits so closely mesh, that we'll remain compatible to one another in a hyper stimulating world. From family researchers to matchmakers, everyone has watched countless couples draw together and pull apart. And they all suggested the same thing:

We're looking at love in a wrong way. Compatibility does not hint on some personal inventory of traits. Compatibility isn't something you have. It's something you make. It's a process, a willingness to work. And while we're redefining compatibility, let's banish its more combustible cousin, 'chemistry', that black box of a term too often invoked to denote the magic ingredient of a good relationship. Chemistry is an alluring concept, but people use it to absolve themselves of the need to examine their approach to one another as if the muse of love will alight on their shoulder and sprinkle fairy dust on them and then they will suddenly open their eyes and behold The Perfect Mate -- without prying open their own heart, embracing a willingness to see the other in a positive light or doing the hard work of exploring and respecting them.

Compatibility is overrated, too much hype resolves around compatibility. The similarities or personality traits that attract people to each other may not hold up over time. You might be attracted to someone because you both love to ski, but then one of you blows out a knee. When people are divorcing, they'll say, "We have nothing in common." But they have kids, a house and 30 years of shared experience.

Sensitivity to the issue of compatibility may be in and of itself a sign of trouble. There is no difference in the objective level of compatibility between those couples who are unhappy and those who are happy. But the unhappy ones think compatibility is important to a good marriage - but don't think they have it. When people say, "We're incompatible," that usually means, "We don't get along very well." People over emphasize the effect of personality or values. And they under emphasize the extent to which easy, congenial temperaments aid marriages.

What would social science have to say to a matchmaker? Damn little. Measures of personality don't predict anything, but how people interact does. Couples need to feel they are building something together that has meaning. They must also connect emotionally. How much do you respond to each other's bids for attention? Does your partner turn toward you with equal enthusiasm? You need to ask questions and constantly update your knowledge of one another. And you need the ability to hear your partner's delight and take it in. And for more fulfilling relationship if you respect each other's worlds, and learn a little bit from each other then, "You've met your match."