When it comes to setting the stage for well-adjusted kids, there’s nothing like a healthy marriage. The kids see everything on that stage. For better or worse, our day to day interactions with our spouse, things like decision making, conflict and displays of affection, slowly construct what experts call our children’s “blueprint for intimacy”. A famous Canadian family therapist says that this primary model of intimacy makes a lasting impression on kids. She further adds, in a problematic marriage, children might develop behavior problems or health problems such as gaining weight or headaches. Their marks may go down, their personalities change. And kids can carry the burden of martial difficulties into their own adult relationships. Research shows, not only kids take on their parents’ unfinished business, but this can be passed down, generation upon generation.

But expert’s say, there’s a positive flip side of this, of course. When we look at children who, come from families where there are healthy marital relationships, we see it reflects in their physical health as well as their ability to function well socially and academically.

Experts and parents agree that the bedrock of a healthy marriage is mutual respect. It’s always been very important to us to not cut each other down in front of the kids. So, both the parents should take one another’s side to iron out disagreements instead of doing it in full view of their children. Saving criticism until after the fact can also work. For instance, many times I think my husband is too hard on the boys. But I let him handle the situation, and then when we are alone, I let him know what I think.

Experts also urge parents to be careful when and where they blow off steam about their spouse’s shortcomings. People sometimes complain to their families and friends about their partner on the telephone, not realizing that their children are listening.

Professor of clinical psychology, urges parents to see their marriage through their children’s eyes. He says, it’s through differences that we grow. When a husband and wife create space for each other’s ideas, then kids learn. As they grow, kids absorb decision making techniques simply by overhearing conversations. A discussion about where and when to go for a vacation, for example, can illustrate planning and compromise. Normally, everyday life managing discussions, of course, can sometimes morph into heated exchanges, but conflict can be a valuable opportunity for learning if it’s handled properly.

Whether the argument is focused on daily hassles or life changing decisions, how you argue occupies center stage. Being able to listen openly and present your position without taking anything away from your partner is a wonderful skill. If children are able to see parents do that, they’re no longer afraid of difference; because of having a difference doesn’t mean a disaster. Indeed, the child who experiences nonviolent conflict at home is better prepared to deal with it in the outside world.

We don’t have to pretend that we’re always in agreement as long as we resolve it. Because this can make them learn negotiation skills, compromising, active listening skills and respect for the other person. After the storm, parents shouldn’t be shy about kissing and making up. Children need to know that their parents like each other and have a friendship. A kiss or a hug or a compliment goes a long way to nurturing your own relationship while helping children develop emotionally.

If your marriage isn’t perfect, it’s not too late to improve. Children are affected even up to the college years. Not only can parents turn their marriage around, they can almost erase, or certainly put into perspective, a few rocky years. That teaches their children endurance and hope and gives them an inner strength they can turn to in their adult years.