All children who go through parental separation need understanding, patience and caring people to help them cope with the feelings of loss. Only then they come to terms with an event that is outside their control. The best divorce from the child’s point of view is one where the kids are cared for by two psychologically healthy parents who can minimize their own conflict to stay involved in their children’s lives. Finally, parents who decide to live separately should never divorce their kids:

Making them the focus:
• Parents need to talk about the divorce to the child in a calm manner. They must explain, as much as they can, why they are separating and ensure that the child knows that he is not the cause and there is nothing he can do to reunite the parents.

• In the best interests of the children, the parents should try to be friends. When this is not possible, they should at least be cordial and respectful to each other.

• Never use kids as bearers of nasty messages.

• Encourage the child to express her or his feelings. It is helpful for to talk about her negative feelings, rather than bottle them up inside.

• Children often feel very worried about what to say to their friends, neighbours and teachers when asked about the divorce. It helps to role play this situation and teach them to say that mum and dad live separately now because they were having difficulty living together happily.

• Regardless of which parent the child with, decisions especially about the child’s schooling, holidays and expenses should be a shared parental responsibility as far as possible. All major events in the child’s life such as illness, achievements and stress related issues should also be informed to the custodial parent. This enables both parents to know what is happening in the child’s life, be involved and prevents huge arguments.

• Children need to know that their mother and father will still be their parents even though the marriage is ending and the parents will still apart. As far as possible, contact with both parents should be maintained on a regular basis, provided safety can be ensured. The kids must know that both parents love them very much.

• Long custody disputes or pressure on a child to choose sides must be avoided.

These can be particularly harmful and can add to the damage of the divorce. All children feel torn between both parents and the adults in the child’s life must make the decision about custody, depending on which parent can provide the best care.

The nature and intensity of the effects depend largely on the child’s developmental age and the circumstances surrounding the divorce. Though each child is unique, there are certain typical responses for each age group:

• The preschool child often shows her anxiety through regressive behavior. She may become clingy, cranky and show feeding and sleeping difficulties. She may blame herself and try to get her absent parent back, sometimes fantasying that the family is still living together.

• The school age child often takes on the role of a caregiver to look after the custodial parent and develops too good behavior. She may have problems with school work and lose interest in friends and outside activities.

• The adolescent will show more obvious signs of disturbance. He often becomes aggressive, taking out his anger on the available parent.

If we consider these points, separation of parents can be bearable for the kids to a larger extent.