With so much history between parents and grown children, parents and their adult children can become stuck in patterns of interaction that spell trouble. It’s easy to let things go or let rifts build. The longer it goes on, the harder it feels to change. Still, whether you’re the parent or child, progress is possible without blowups or big emotional risks.

Even a small start can lead to bigger changes. Some common obstacles and also their solutions are discussed below. And if you follow these suggestions, they might ease your relationship with your adult children:

Meddling: A father disagrees with his daughter’s choice to make his grandkids diet vegetarian, so he cooks meat burgers when he baby sits. Or a mother continually tells her son how to catch a wife. Many parents think that advising is what parenting is all about, and this never changes. But parental roles shift as children grow and no longer need constant care. Treat your son or daughter with the same respect you would give a friend. Kids can help by trying to understand that parents want to help, but don’t always know how.

Alienation: Separation can grow from feelings the parent or grown child still has from a divorce, rebellious teen years or other past issues. While apologies or straightforward talks often help, many put these off fearing rejection. Instead, try a simple note or e-mail about a happy memory or interest. If your dad enjoys Chinese cooking, for example, send him a recipe and say, “I saw this and thought of you.” Your relationship may still need a lot of mending, but the door will be open.

Competition: Parents may think their kids have it too easy, or may be envious of their accomplishments. Such feelings often come out unconsciously as competitiveness, says an expert sociologist. She recalls a mother who had not finished high school and envied her daughter’s PhD. The mother didn’t talk about that, but she took obvious pleasure in always beating her daughter at tennis. Children can diffuse envy by appreciating a parent’s strengths. (Mum, you’ve got a killer serve. Can you teach me?”)

Finally, try not to get mired in problem solving. It’s also important just to have fun altogether.