The second stage: A father may have had a very good relationship with his daughter during her childhood, but he can become very awkward and tongue tied when the girl reaches puberty and adolescence. Coming to terms with a daughter’s emerging sexuality is quite difficult for most men. Many men unconsciously withdraw from their daughter’s everyday lives as she reaches this stage. And moreover, physical contact is minimized or totally withdrawn. And fathers silently suffer panic attacks every time he thinks his daughter has started looking seductive or that some stranger is ogling her.
The father should first recognize the fact that the young daughter too is undergoing a bewildering experience with a lot of conflicting signals both from within and outside. She has just started trying to connect herself with the outside world. She is bombarded by media icons of all sorts from all sides and there is only confusion in her mind as to which role model she needs to follow and how to go about it. It is here that a father’s help counts a lot. He can help the daughter cross the turbulent teens with a lot more ease if he takes the trouble to communicate with her at her level. He can leave a lasting legacy if, during her age of uncertainty, he instills in her the message that he loves her for what she is rather than for what she looks like or what she achieves, these latter can, at best, be the icing.
It was especially noted that daughters whose fathers did not comment on their appearance were much more relaxed and comfortable with themselves. Strangely, in this matter, a mother’s support and assurance did not seem to have a quite as much effect as a father’s. A father who listens attentively to a daughter’s problems, real or imaginary, acts as a major comforter. Acknowledging that the girl is worrying over something and trying to make a sense out of it is the first step a father can take in the direction of problem solving.
Girls in this stage frequently get into tiffs with their mothers. So, the sympathetic ear of the father becomes very essential for restoration of sanity. But father needs to learn some fine balancing acts to perform as a buffer and yet keep his cool. A father can help his daughter balance both her love angst towards her mother and to moderate the inevitable emotional extremes in the intense mother daughter equation. It is the father’s steadying influence, which the daughter learns to deal positively with those emotions.
A father may not be able to share completely in a teenaged daughter’s mysterious world. That is understandable. But even if he cannot share, he must keep himself informed about what is happening in his daughter’s life. He can maintain the basic level of involvement by taking her for shopping; dropping her to places, collaborating in some of her plans and projects, and getting tom know her friends.