The labor of love called parenting is difficult, even when your child is compliant. But when your simple quests or innocent remarks are met with cheeky retorts, sullen silences, eye rolling or shoulder shrugging, you can find yourself caught up in a quarrel neither of you will win. Not all rude behavior should be considered an act of defiance, however. Children are bound to be disappointed when their wants clash with parental rules and authority. You should expect and allow a certain amount of grumbling when you’re telling a child to do something or enforcing limits. But serious impertinence should not be overlooked. The following strategies can help minimize your child’s tendency to talk back:

• Shape their behavior at a younger age: Children are more likely to show respect when you treat them and others respectfully. If you constantly disparage your partner, kids or friends, you teach your children that it’s okay to wound others with harmful words. Even infants mimic what they see. As soon as your baby starts to speak, teach him to say, “Please”, “Thank you”, “I’m sorry”, and “excuse me”. One of the most effective ways to shape a child’s behavior is to give him positive reinforcement whenever he speaks or acts the way you’d like him to. And when he’s made a concerted effort to control his language and behavior in a difficult situation, tell him how much you appreciate it, by saying something like thanks for your cooperating without a fuss.

• Encourage him/her to express his/her emotions appropriately: Don’t confuse insolence with your child’s healthy willingness to state his opinion or express his wants, needs and feelings. If you insist on a broad definition of back talk, one that prevents children from ever disagreeing with adults, the result may be an extremely well behaved youngsters who stifle their emotions so much that they are unable to stand up for themselves when it matters. Instead, encourage them to convey their feelings appropriately.

• Monitor media: Cheeky children on sitcoms and rude guests on talk shows seem ubiquitous nowadays. While it’s tempting to use television as a baby sitter or to switch on the car radio regularly, monitor and limit what your child sees and hears.

• Act fast: Give a clear, immediate message that your child’s words and tone are unacceptable and won’t be tolerated. Say something like we never talk like that. Don’t overreact, and be sure to condemn the rude language, not the child. Calmly offer your youngster the face saving option of starting over.

• Tap into feelings: Kids lash out when they’re angry, frustrated, disappointed or feeling unlovable. These intense emotions usually don’t last long, so although it’s difficult, don’t take such verbal outbursts personally. Instead, explain that disrespectful language can make a person feel attacked, angry and hurt. Calmly describe the negative effect that your child’s words have had on you.

• Deny privileges: An ideal consequence for rude behavior is the immediate loss of a privilege. These penalties include extra chores, loss of TV time and not allowing friends over. Before enforcements time and not allowing friends over. But don’t impose too harsh a punishment, as that might breed resentment. Moreover don’t issue vague warnings.

Back talk becomes harmful when it starts eroding your relationship with your child. Setting a good example, disengaging from the power struggle, letting kids sound off, all these strategies can replace sassy put downs with healthier ways to communicate, ways that strengthen the bonds for everyone in the family.