When A Preteen Wants To Date-Part I
One girl who is pushing twelve and lives with her parents in my neighborhood, named Seema, belongs to an idyllic family. Financially successful, socially sought after, achievers of the great Indian dream, her parents had what they described as a great relationship with their daughters. Not for them the burden of imposing harsh disciplines, not for them to worry about their children’s school performance, not for them the hassle of keeping teenage wolves from their doors. Until one day, Seema announced at the breakfast table that she is in love and wanted to spend her forthcoming twelfth birthday with her boyfriend and not with them. And then idyll exploded. Her mother is appalled that her little baby could even consider such a thing. Her elder sister is disdainful of this new found love of her kid sister. Her father laughed indulgently and disappeared behind a newspaper that he is scarcely able to read. But Seema insisted, and is censured by everyone in the family including the indulgent father whose patience soon wears thin.
Not, you might imagine an unusual situation in the great coagulum that is modern urban India. But, if this happens in your home, what would you do?
Here’s what Seema’s mother did
• She shouted at Seema and asked her, ‘what did I do to deserve a child like you?’
• She cried, she snapped at the servants, and when this didn’t help much, she turned on her older daughter for being a bad example to her sister.
• She lamented loudly to her close friends and based on their suggestions, she decided that she will send her daughter to the girl’s boarding school.
• She conducted prayers, visited all the nearby temples and spent hours with her astrologer, her palmist and her numerologist.
• She spoke to Seema’s class teacher but was unable to arouse much sympathy from that tactic lady who seemed to disapprove of everything that all the girls in the school did.
• And finally, she believed she solved the problem and gloated to her husband over her enterprise and resourcefulness.
In the process, she lost the love, trust and respect of her daughter.
Here’s what she could have done:
• She could have greeted seema’s announcement with calm and understanding.
• She could have understood that considering Seema, like most of her contemporaries, came of age when she was nine; it was not improvable that her hormones would have got activated at an earlier age.
• She could have gently explained to Seema that while she understood her daughter’s feelings and while she agreed that 11 was not too young too fall in love, dating her boyfriend or getting physically involved with him was not desirable, for although her body had grown up, her mind was not yet ready for a heavy relationship.
• She could have handled any tantrum that Seema may have thrown with tough love, with the emphasis more on the love than on the tough.
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